2009

“It’s been a hard year, but I’m climbing out of the rubble…”

I have never been so thankful to see the end of a year approaching.

I love what January 1st symbolizes – not because it’s an opportunity to make resolutions to do things like lose weight, get in shape, eat healthier, or become a “better person” – but because to me, it is a reminder of the sweet, forever-new mercies of a Savior whose overwhelming tenderness and faithfulness I don’t deserve.

2009 has been the hardest year of my life.

         In the blink of an eye, I watched as my carefully woven and orchestrated plans fell apart. I felt the bitter sting of brokenness, and came to the sickening realization that I was completely unable to put the pieces back together.

2009 has also been the most amazing year of my life.

        I learned that true friends are the ones who will drop everything at 9:00pm on a weeknight and drive an hour to your house to “come to your rescue”. They’re the ones who will hold your hand while you cry, who will let you lay your head in their lap and will tell you that God is in control. They’re the ones who will buy you chocolate when your heart aches. (Lots and lots and lots of chocolate :-) ) They’re the ones who make you journals with verses and song lyrics and notes of encouragement for your long journey away from home. They’re the ones who open their home – and their pantry – to you for months at a time (and some will even re-paint their bedroom and give it to you!). They’re the ones who continue to pray for you, and send you text messages every day with verses reminding you of God’s goodness and faithfulness.

But most importantly, in 2009, I learned who my Jesus really is. I learned the truth in the words of the hymn that says, “Morning by morning, I wake up to find the power and comfort of God’s hand in mine.”

  

Jesus held my hand on January 24, 2009. Jesus held my hand on March 1, 2009 as I said goodbye to personal expectations for my life. Jesus is holding my hand today, the last day of 2009, as I say hello to a new year and to whatever plans HE may have for my life.

And the more I look back on this year, the more I realize…the one word that defines my year is not “pain” or “lessons” or even “healing”. It’s simply – Jesus.
It was the spirit of Jesus within my friends and family members that showered me with love in my darkest moments. It was Jesus who held me every time I fell apart. It was Jesus who listened to the things I was too scared or ashamed to admit to others. It was Jesus who reminded me that I am defined solely by HIM – not by my relationship status or my friends or my belongings or my money (or the immense lack thereof – ha!). It was Jesus who used my pain to teach me what I should have seen all along - that outside of His love, no other love really matters. It was Jesus who gave me hope, purpose, dignity. It was Jesus who defended me against the bitter darts of the enemy. It was Jesus who I looked to for comfort, and was reminded in the most beautiful of ways that HE embodies all the qualities and faithfulness and trustworthiness I expected from human “love”.

The more pain I experienced, the more I became aware His incredible power to heal. The deeper I fell into despair, the more I felt Him drawing me back into His arms. The more helpless I became, the more He fought for me. The more unloved I felt, the more I heard Him singing His words of comfort over me. The more exhausted I became, the more He held me up and reminded me how to walk again. And the more I let my pain turn to anger and bitterness, the more He reminded me of all He has forgiven me of in my 23 years of life. He never left my side and He never let go of my hand. He was my cloud by day and my pillar of fire by night. 

In February of this year, my sweet friend Alyssa made me a journal – and a CD to go along with it – and wrote these lyrics on the inside cover, “I will sing of Your mercy that leads me through valleys of sorrow to rivers of joy.” And two months later, on Easter Sunday, my Uncle B said, “When things seem to be at the most hopeless, God is working in ways that we cannot see…He works in the secret places that we don’t see or expect. What seems like the end may very well be God’s beginning.” It has been these valleys of sorrow and rivers of joy – and the end that was really just an unconventional beginning – that have shown me the overwhelming beauty of my Savior’s devotion. Even though there were countless moments of pain, anger, confusion, despair…I can look back and say with all honesty that my heart has never been so satisfied and content as this past year, resting in the secure arms of my Jesus.

And that is why 2009 will always be to me the year I fell in love.

2009 has been my Jesus year.

"For this reason I also suffer these things, but I am not ashamed: for I know whom I have believed and I am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him until that day."

“…and in Your hands, the pain and hurt look less like scars and more like character.”