2009

“It’s been a hard year, but I’m climbing out of the rubble…”

I have never been so thankful to see the end of a year approaching.

I love what January 1st symbolizes – not because it’s an opportunity to make resolutions to do things like lose weight, get in shape, eat healthier, or become a “better person” – but because to me, it is a reminder of the sweet, forever-new mercies of a Savior whose overwhelming tenderness and faithfulness I don’t deserve.

2009 has been the hardest year of my life.

         In the blink of an eye, I watched as my carefully woven and orchestrated plans fell apart. I felt the bitter sting of brokenness, and came to the sickening realization that I was completely unable to put the pieces back together.

2009 has also been the most amazing year of my life.

        I learned that true friends are the ones who will drop everything at 9:00pm on a weeknight and drive an hour to your house to “come to your rescue”. They’re the ones who will hold your hand while you cry, who will let you lay your head in their lap and will tell you that God is in control. They’re the ones who will buy you chocolate when your heart aches. (Lots and lots and lots of chocolate :-) ) They’re the ones who make you journals with verses and song lyrics and notes of encouragement for your long journey away from home. They’re the ones who open their home – and their pantry – to you for months at a time (and some will even re-paint their bedroom and give it to you!). They’re the ones who continue to pray for you, and send you text messages every day with verses reminding you of God’s goodness and faithfulness.

But most importantly, in 2009, I learned who my Jesus really is. I learned the truth in the words of the hymn that says, “Morning by morning, I wake up to find the power and comfort of God’s hand in mine.”

  

Jesus held my hand on January 24, 2009. Jesus held my hand on March 1, 2009 as I said goodbye to personal expectations for my life. Jesus is holding my hand today, the last day of 2009, as I say hello to a new year and to whatever plans HE may have for my life.

And the more I look back on this year, the more I realize…the one word that defines my year is not “pain” or “lessons” or even “healing”. It’s simply – Jesus.
It was the spirit of Jesus within my friends and family members that showered me with love in my darkest moments. It was Jesus who held me every time I fell apart. It was Jesus who listened to the things I was too scared or ashamed to admit to others. It was Jesus who reminded me that I am defined solely by HIM – not by my relationship status or my friends or my belongings or my money (or the immense lack thereof – ha!). It was Jesus who used my pain to teach me what I should have seen all along - that outside of His love, no other love really matters. It was Jesus who gave me hope, purpose, dignity. It was Jesus who defended me against the bitter darts of the enemy. It was Jesus who I looked to for comfort, and was reminded in the most beautiful of ways that HE embodies all the qualities and faithfulness and trustworthiness I expected from human “love”.

The more pain I experienced, the more I became aware His incredible power to heal. The deeper I fell into despair, the more I felt Him drawing me back into His arms. The more helpless I became, the more He fought for me. The more unloved I felt, the more I heard Him singing His words of comfort over me. The more exhausted I became, the more He held me up and reminded me how to walk again. And the more I let my pain turn to anger and bitterness, the more He reminded me of all He has forgiven me of in my 23 years of life. He never left my side and He never let go of my hand. He was my cloud by day and my pillar of fire by night. 

In February of this year, my sweet friend Alyssa made me a journal – and a CD to go along with it – and wrote these lyrics on the inside cover, “I will sing of Your mercy that leads me through valleys of sorrow to rivers of joy.” And two months later, on Easter Sunday, my Uncle B said, “When things seem to be at the most hopeless, God is working in ways that we cannot see…He works in the secret places that we don’t see or expect. What seems like the end may very well be God’s beginning.” It has been these valleys of sorrow and rivers of joy – and the end that was really just an unconventional beginning – that have shown me the overwhelming beauty of my Savior’s devotion. Even though there were countless moments of pain, anger, confusion, despair…I can look back and say with all honesty that my heart has never been so satisfied and content as this past year, resting in the secure arms of my Jesus.

And that is why 2009 will always be to me the year I fell in love.

2009 has been my Jesus year.

"For this reason I also suffer these things, but I am not ashamed: for I know whom I have believed and I am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him until that day."

“…and in Your hands, the pain and hurt look less like scars and more like character.”

When in the process of apartment-searching...

...be sure to read the reviews.

While doing some research on a few apartment complexes in the Houston area today, I decided to check on the ratings of these particular establishments. One review in particular caught my attention.

Read on:

"These apartments it(he,she) has roaches, they killed a pregnant woman, violated other one, the maintenance, they are delayed 3 weeks, I bring(report) an electrical problem that could cause a fire, I was 4 times to the office and also call, newly they were after 3 weeks. They say that it(he,she) has safety, but I have never seen them. The people who lives here are dirty leave garbage for all divide, lately there many cats, I do not see the hour that ends the contract to go away. Not who was thinking when it(he,she) rents here maybe that it(he) was cheap but I prefer paying little mas, that to live in this place, and of ironic form they gave to me 10 discount dollars.
Also that tape-worm that to move my satellite.
I don't have a parking space, this apartments suck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!"




*ahem*


All I really want to know is what law enforcement officials plan to do about these women-killing-and-violating cockroaches!! GEEZ!!

Lessons from Camp

"Better the storm with Christ than smooth waters without Him" - Macduff

God did some truly phenomenal things this past week at Next Level Camp, both in my heart, and in the hearts of my girls. I was blown away by how He was able to take lessons from my life and use them to speak His love to my group of eleven-year-old girls.

One thing I have discovered very recently is that no matter how hard I try, or how well I convince myself of my own wisdom, I will NEVER come close to completely understanding God. Just when I think I have figured out all of the why's and why not's...just when I think I understand the reasons He allows trials, or changes my plans, or disciplines me...I am once again caught off guard when He doesn't fit into the box I've created for Him in my mind. Just when I think I've mastered the art of true faith and surrender - when I believe I have finally given it ALL over to Him - something else comes up and He once again asks, "Sarah, do you trust Me?" And after all the times He has proved Himself faithful in my life, it should be the easiest answer in the world. "Yes, Lord, of course I do." But unfortunately, it isn't. I'm very attached to my "boxes". My schedules. My plans. The overall organization of my life. So when something comes along that threatens any of those, it terrifies me. I feel like the floor has fallen out from under me, like somehow God has forgotten that I exist and the entire world is progressing in life, and I'm simply lost in the chaos.

But then I am reminded:

"This is what the LORD says - the Redeemer and Holy One of Israel - to him who was despised and abhorred by the nation, to the servant of rulers: Kings will see you and rise up, princes will see and bow down, because of the LORD, who is FAITHFUL, the Holy One of Israel, who has chosen you... but Zion has said, "The LORD has forsaken me, the Lord has forgotten me". Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me."
- Isaiah 49:7, 14-16

There's an old Rich Mullins song that I absolutely love, and one of the lines simply says, "When You take me by the hand, and You love me, Lord, You love me, and I should've realized I have no reason to be frightened....I am ready for the storm." Really, when it comes down to it, nothing in life should frighten me. I should be so rooted and grounded in Christ that the storms of life and the unexpected and unexplainable disasters do not sway me. Because no matter what my emotions tell me, no matter what the rest of the world may say about the hopelessness of my circumstances - I KNOW that I have the King of Kings walking beside me - calling me His friend - never leaving me or forsaking me - hiding me in the shelter of His wings. And all that I have come to know of His goodness, His faithfulness, His character, His LOVE, should be more than enough for me to say, "Yes Lord, I trust You. Even now. Even with this."