Restless

I am itching for something - a change of scenery, change of pace, something to keep me busy and somewhere to pour all of this pent-up energy to keep from going completely out of my mind. And as much as I would love to write it off as senioritis (long-coming senioritis at that), I cannot overlook the fact that it's something more. A stronger gnawing, impatience, and growing dissatisfaction with life than ever before. Like I need to run for days without stopping, without looking back or pausing to analyze where I'm headed or what it will mean in the grand scheme of things. It's an itch that I can't scratch (and I'm sure there's a song or two or twelve in that line). I'm shaking inside, so very ready to let go & take off, but I haven't been given the "okay" to do so, and at times, I feel utterly consumed by this restless energy...

And yet,
You call me to be silent.
To be still.
To know You are God,
... regardless of my heart, my surroundings, my impatience.




"Still God"
(C) February 2, 2008

VERSE 1
My mind is getting caught up again in uncertainty
And just like that, I'm back where I don't want to be
Afraid that You don't know what's best for my heart
Afraid that if I let go, my world will fall apart

CHORUS
But You're still true
You're still good
You're still God
No matter what I believe
You're still true
You're still good
You're still God
No matter what I can see,
You're still true...

VERSE 2
Sometimes I feel like life is one big second guess
And I'm running around in circles, trying to pass some sort of test
And I can never find the time to just be still and rest
Because my schedule is filled with things I believe to be "best"

CHORUS
But You're still true
You're still good
You're still God
No matter what I believe
You're still true
You're still good
You're still God
No matter what I can see,
You're still true.



Some things I began jotting down in church yesterday:
The devil would love for me to be entangled in the past - my mistakes, failures, disappointment in myself, my fear for the future, worry, self-doubt. Why do I not see these as attacks? So often I make these my religious prison, as if I need to punish myself before I can be "free" in Christ. Like I shouldn't experience peace, or joy, or satisfaction in Him, because I would be denying my own flawed humanity, the fact that I am fallible flesh. But when it all comes down to it, God is GREATER. And He simply calls me to set my gaze on Him. Not the world to my left, not the world to my right, not to my past, not to my future, but simply to HIM - to see His grace, His power, His truth in my life. And simply let the knowledge of the fact that I am loved by the God of all Creation, the King of all eternity, be enough to lead me from one day into another.

"Therefore, do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God, you may receive what was promised. For yet in a very little while, He who is coming will come, and will not delay. But My righteous one shall life by faith, and if he shrinks back, My soul has no pleasure in him." - Hebrews 10:35-38





"All"
(c) February 3, 2008
I will lay
All of me
Down at Your feet
-- it's all that I can give
A broken spirit,
Worn at the edges,
Longing, Lord, to live
Sold out for You
Nothing in the way
No matter the chaos
Exhaustion, or lack of faith

All I can offer
Are these tears at the altar
And hope that they're enough,
Lord I hope that they're enough
To bring You praise
-- it's all for You